Depression and Healing

Take a moment and go read this comic/blog.  Then come back and we'll talk.  I will warn you that the language is NOT kid friendly.  

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

This gal, Allie's story fits so closely to what I went through, except for two differences that call me "Mom".  I had to call on acting skills that Hollywood could never afford.  I wanted everyday to stay in bed, crawl in a corner, or wallow in the self-pity I had no right to possess. My internal dialogue was very similar to what Allie describes.   But the kids needed a happy stable mom on the outside regardless of what was going on inside.  They also needed nutritious meals, clean clothes, playdates at the park, and family game nights.  These daily activities were torture for me!  The saying "Fake it till you make it" did not work in this case.  I thought that if I smiled for them it would eventually become a genuine smile. I was wrong.  


I carried this depression for about three or four years or so.  Functioning through birthdays, holidays, church services, and average ordinary days. Yes, there were good days, but always this overarching attached darkness.  This weight threatening to crush me.  Like a horribly taloned creature latched onto my head that I just couldn't shake.  It might doze for a bit, but was never really gone.  I tried various medications, but the side effects were worse than the depression!  I did have friends in and out of my life during that time that knew this struggle.  Anyone who bothered to look close enough could easily see it.  I didn't hide it all that well, though I didn't really try.  And no one knew more than my poor, amazing husband.  Unfortunately he bore the brunt of my feelings.  Such strong shoulders!  


My turning point came well after a "rock bottom" moment.  I had an outbreak of panic induced hives requiring an ER visit.   It was the moment I realized I couldn't handle it anymore.  An anxiety attack because I admitted I needed outside help and agreed to meet with  a counselor.  I would love to say that after the first session I immediately climbed out of the Pit of Despair!  But, no.  The counseling sessions did make me see the need for true healing.  ---Maybe some other day I'll tell you about the visualizations from those sessions---


A couple months after the counseling, still feeling raw and scarred from prying those talons out of my head, our church held a service of healing.  My pride had long been abandoned (I think the hives had killed off any pride left in me).  So stepping forward to ask for healing prayers by the elders was not embarrassing for me, though not a bold move either.  It simply was the only thing left for me to do.  


It is strange to talk about it.  I know some don't believe in healing from God.  Some think it's all just in my head.  (Though those people think depression is all just in your head also)  I walked out of the sanctuary that night limp as a rag doll.  It was the first time in years that I didn't have to strain to stand up under such a huge weight.   There was no weight on me!!!  


Back to that comic...  We may have had the same adventure internally to begin with, but not the same outcome.  I am so grateful that my depression didn't "break through to the other side and became a sort of fear-proof exoskeleton." Unlike Allie, I still have all my feelings.

Harvest Of Talents

Soup. That is one of my very first thoughts when it comes to The Harvest Of Talents. That may sound crazy, but stay with me here... I love to eat. I love just about any kind of food I've ever met. But I'm talking about real food, not the gourmet-three-asparagus-on-a-fancy-plate-with-half-a-lemon food. Not food-like substances either; processed, modified, artificially flavored red #40. I mean food to fill your eyes with color, your nose with desire, mouth with variety, and your belly with love. Harvest Soup is just that. Several aspects make this the best of The Harvest for me. So here's my two point mini-sermon!

1. Together, the Impossible becomes Delicious. It is unbelievably impossible for me to recreate that soup. I do not own a caldron, I never have that many vegetables on hand at one time to use for one dish, and I would never be able to afford that much. However, I can bring a bag of carrots and some onions. Even some homegrown garlic! What will you bring? Celery? Tomatoes? When we each bring a sacrifice, something amazing starts to happen. Flavors blend and become richer. Everything about Harvest of Talents is in this idea "the whole is greater than the sum of its parts" Our individual offerings come together to make a beautifully varied and desriable event for our church and community that spreads around the world. A global reach like that would be impossible on my own.

2. An Ironic Reminder. This idea is easy to word, but much harder to swallow. Every year I look forward to savoring that steaming bowl of soup, but every bite is a reminder that people are dying daily from starvation. People are dying without having heard of Jesus. I know the money we raise will not be enough to end world hunger nor save every soul. It will save some. It will tell some of God's love.

After all this talk, I am really craving that Harvest soup now. This is not random ingredients artfully arranged, nor is it a science experiment claiming to be food. This soup is mouth-watering, soul-satisfying, and God-glorifying.   

Doxology

Why is it that beauty in nature strikes us with such a powerful force?  A friend shared a personal moment.  I want to retell this with his words.

I woke up early one morning of a camp retreat.  I decided to go for a quiet walk on the trail around the lake.  I turned a bend and was stopped in my tracks.  The way the sun was shining through the tree leaves onto the dewy grass and branches made everything around me glow like pure gold.  I had never seen anything so beautiful.  I was overwhelmed.  Right there, I broke out into The Doxology, "Praise God from whom all blessings flow!"  No camera could ever catch what I was seeing that morning.  I'll never forget it.  

You have to know; this friend is not prone to spontaneity, nor songs,  nor overpowering emotions.  I cannot even in my wildest dream imagine him busting into song!  Sure, I will sing for the whole world to hear, I get emotional over everything, and spontaneity is expected in my house.  But not this guy!  He's a librarian!!

So what would make this guy, this librarian, get all caught up in praise like that?  I believe it's the Creator's handiwork.  His stunning details.  The majesty of it all.  I know it is being surrounded by only the work of God's hands and having distractions removed.  ---Interesting, look up "beautiful" in a thesaurus.  I still couldn't find a word all-encompassing enough to describe God's creation.

But what about city-folk?   Or people that believe all of this is a giant cosmic accident?  Maybe it's just easier to believe in an accident, if you're in the city surrounded -not by God's work- but by Man's creations.

I just know I was reminded to enjoy the world around me.  To look for as much of God's glory as I can see.  To clear away distractions.  If all of creation is already praising the LORD, then I need to join in the song.  And maybe my friend was lead to do just that.  "Praise Him, all creatures here below!"

Psalm 19

¹ The heavens declare the glory of God;

the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

² Day after day they pour forth speech;

night after night they reveal knowledge.

³ They have no speech, they use no words;

no sound is heard from them.

⁴ Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,

their words to the ends of the world.

^{Psalm 96}

¹¹ Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad;
   let the sea resound, and all that is in it.
¹² Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them;
   let all the trees of the forest sing for joy.
¹³ Let all creation rejoice before the LORD, for he comes,
   he comes to judge the earth.
He will judge the world in righteousness
   and the peoples in his faithfulness.

Inspiration

This gal is amazing!  

I really just wanted to "Pin" this picture, so I needed to have it posted somewhere real!

Don't Call Me "Green"

     I wouldn't want anyone getting the wrong idea of me, so I'll have to explain myself very carefully here.  I'm cheap.  It's not that I don't care about the environment, or that I'm not bothered by the amount of chemicals we take in, but that I hate spending money.  Or at least that I'd rather spend my money wiser -- because I admit, I do love shopping!  Anyways, I'm going to tell you all the things I hesitate to talk about for fear of being labeled "green".  

     I make my own laundry detergent and dishwasher detergent.  I don't use shampoo or conditioner.  I wash my face with Olive Oil.  And my only real cleaning product is a spray bottle of vinegar.

     These were easy changes that are pretty decent money savers.  Going "poo-free" was probably the scariest idea, because I love my hair, but also the biggest money saver.  Simply baking soda in water to wash and vinegar water to condition.  Instead of a $4 bottles of shampoo and conditioner.  Actually my hair feels cleaner and thicker with much less fall-out!  (Though the hair-dye color is fading a touch faster.)

     I'm always looking for other DIY alternatives.  And yes, I want them less toxic.  But honestly, it comes down to the cost right now.   I do believe that as a Christian, I  have a responsibility to be a better steward of God's creation.  However, I refuse to let "Environmentalism" become my religion and Mother Earth become my god. So send me any ideas you find, but don't call me Green!!

The Good, the Bad, and the Meh

 I love finishing a good book, though it also makes me sad when a story is over because I won't find out more about the characters' lives. I love the feeling of leaning in to eavesdrop on the comings and goings of some other time and place. I love being transported out of this world into a fantasy land full of adventure. I am not even bothered by the times I read and want to scream at the people as they make horrible and damaging choices. Or when I want to reach through the pages to sound a warning or offer a hug or slap some sense. When I close a good book I need time to just sit and be still for awhile with it fresh in my thoughts before I can go about my day. That is a satisfying feeling.

There is also the angry feeling when you get to the end of a bad book and no one has learned their lesson, justice has not been served, or they did not live happily ever after. The bad books I can at least feel violated for giving my time away to a worthless cause. Here I poured myself into their world only to have it end like that! How DARE they!! I still have to take time to stew over that frustration before joining reality. Not the same satisfaction, but a disturbed contentment.

But when I finish a book that was neither good nor bad, I only feel confused and disappointed. A book dropped and walked away from (not thrown against a wall or hugged to your chest) as soon as the last page is read is not worthy of the paper on which it was printed.

Dew and Universe Juice

I had my best run this morning.  Not the fastest of times, not the easiest of effort. But the all-round best.  
     It started with the usual dread last night.  "Do I really want to get up early? Is it worth losing an hour and a half of sleep?  Will my shins cramp up like last time?"   
     But despite trying to avoid it, I went to bed on time, setting out my clothes and tennis shoes.  And having made a Facebook status about it, I knew I'd have friends to hold me accountable.  So I was ready.  I actually woke up easily and anticipated the great feeling that only comes after accomplishing a challenging workout.  
     With my coffee freshly made and mp3 player cranked I drove out to the park.  (yes, coffee.)  After a bit of a warm-up, I took off.  In my new trail running shoes, I got to take some paths instead of just the pavement around the loop.  So nice to wind through the trees and the grasses.  The loop is 1 1/2 miles.  I always do 2 laps, but I take a coffee break between.   :)  
     I should keep a towel in the car though.  The sweat was already dripping on my forehead that early in the morning.  The second lap started easily enough. I took the same trails laced behind the pavement.  My time was looking good to finish this lap in a quicker time than the first.  My energy was high, though fatiguing as I came to the end.  I made it back to the car hot, breathless, and sweaty gross.  With no towel, I had already used the last of the McDonald's napkins. 
     I walked in circles a bit to cool down but to no relief.  Pulling out the mp3 player with its pumped up music, I tried to slow myself.  I flopped onto a bench to try and catch my breath.  But as I let my gaze wander I noticed the ground.  The grass looked so plushy.  Still in the shade, that grass was covered in thick, sparkling dew.  I stood up, still overheated, leaving my sweat angel on the bench.  
     It was time to get home.....  Kids would need milk poured.....  Brian would need sent out the door with his coffee for work..... Everything in the house would need my attention......   
     But I couldn't help myself.  I dropped down into the plushy grass.  The dew was so unbelievably refreshing  Stretching out on my back I could feel my skin instantly cooling.  I turned over to my belly side letting my face rest in the earth.  My heart rate came down, slow breathing returned. The sweat rinsed away.  On my back again,  I drank in this experience.  I felt renewed, peaceful, strong.  Now I was ready to face the rest of the day. 


     It was only after standing up and looking at myself that this very spiritual moment came to an end.   I was now covered head to toe in grass bits.  I really do need to keep a towel in the car.  

The Power of Fear

(written on Fri, Jul 15)


It's very easy to get to Friday afternoon and declare that it has been a long exhausting week.  But seriously, I am spent!  We changed the family dynamic by having my step-daughter for 10 days.  The little kids fight for her attention and worship the ground she walks on.  She is not used to sharing space or having free time.  Dear Daddy wants to make up for missed opportunities with his daughter, but doesn't always see that it comes at the expense of the littles or me.  I don't usually dictate free-time activities or spell out how to do everything, but she is not independently minded.  We all love the week we have together, but many adjustments have to be made by everyone.  So on top of regular chores and schedules, I also had to balance the strained relationships in the house.


FEAR.   I absolutely love this girl as my own, but I haven't had the chance to warp and mold her into what I see as her potentials.  I see grace, strength, humor, talent... but these all need drawn out, refined, and polished.  With only every other weekend, and one week in the summer, I can't go through that process with her.  She is developing into a lovely young lady, but not to the fullest I had hoped for her.  
Fear cripples her in every area of life.  Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of foolishness, fear of the unknown.  She has a nervous anxiety in anything new or any uncertainty. She has no idea how to use free-time, it scares her to not have every moment of every day scheduled for her.  Even not knowing what to have for breakfast can start a mini panic.  It hurts me so much when I can't help her conquer her fears.  I had never realized how powerful fear can be.  It limits your relationships.  It limits what you can accomplish.  It limits your creative energy.  It limits fun opportunities.  It is definitely NOT a butterfly tendency.  

Strange Inspiration

I went for a run in the park tonight.  Now, when I say "run" I mean the slowest possible thing that is not walking.  And even then, the run lasts until I can't breathe and have to walk. I don't have a running partner to push me (or for me to push), and I don't even have an MP3 player to keep me moving.  So I sing random songs in my head, or work on memorization cards or contemplate life, the universe, and everything.  But mostly, I'm just trying to make it to the next marker.  This park has a 1.5 mile paved loop.  I do 2 laps just to hit a nice 3 miles.  I've noted where every .25 mile is, to give myself some markers along the way.

Tonight's run felt great!  Well, the first lap felt great.  I had my best time!  I ran for a solid .75 without stopping, and only short walks between running stretches for the rest of that lap.  I was feeling very proud of myself, but also very tired, sweaty, and cranky.  So after some good stretching and cooling down a bit, I was ready to leave.  I didn't want to do a second lap.  I figured 1.5 miles was enough.  I talked myself into being too spent to finish.

That's when a most unlikely inspiration came along in the shape of a quite overweight older man.  He had started walking the loop right before I began.  I had passed him at the first quarter mile marker.  We had exchanged pleasantries...  "lovely evening.  Not too many bugs"...    As he came around ending his first lap.  I said a congratulatory "Hey, we made it."  But he said as he kept on walking, "Nope, can't quit yet.  I gotta go around again."

This is not a lengthy conversation.  This is nothing profound.  This is just complete strangers making small talk passing in the park.  But it struck me hard with a blow right on my head.  If this guy can go a second lap and finish his 3 miles, why can't I?  What excuse that I'm using is actually valid?

• But I'm tired. --- Uh, It's only 6:30.  
• But I'll be late to VBS. --- It takes only 30 minutes to walk the loop, running is faster.
• But I just can't go any further. --- Overweight old guy can. 

So my excuses are crap.  The guy is getting farther down the path now.  And I'm just standing there staring like a lunatic.  Finally, I slammed the car door and took off after him.  I didn't catch up to him til that same quarter mile marker.  In passing, I told him he inspired me to keep going and not give up.

I finished the lap strong.  It wasn't my best time, but my no means my worst.  I took my time cooling down and stretching like always.  (And mopping up my sweaty dripping head!)  About 15 minutes after I came in, the guy comes walking up.  I thanked him for just being there at the right time.  That I really needed that kick.

Silly, but sometimes I feel like I work so hard at trying to be an inspiration to others.  To give motivation. To encourage.  To support.  To push.  I guess I forgot that I need that too sometimes.

I did make it clear I can't do a third lap!

Too Many Shoulds

I've had far too many shoulds in today.  And several shouldn'ts.

I should have done a workout today.
I should be memorizing my Jewish Innkeeper part for VBS right now.
I shouldn't have eaten Mac'n'Cheese for lunch.
I should go unload the dishes.
I should have called my sister and mom sooner this morning.
I shouldn't have scolded the kids so harshly for being crazy.
I should listen to the worship team music before practice.

This is just the quick list I've got running through my head. And really, today was pretty good!

I should just get over it, and move on with tomorrow.

Something New: An Introduction and Explanation

Writing is not one of my natural creative outlets.  Not enough color or mess for my tastes!  Usually, when I want to express myself, I use lots of paint, glue, beads, or food.  So this is something completely new and foreign for me to attempt.
It always seems like bloggers have comical, thought provoking, educational, or inspiring things to say.  I've got none of that.  Just myself to share.  I always hope to inspire and produce smiles, possibly educate... but I'm not expecting to leave any lasting impression here.
Also, I know most blogs stick to one general topic... either kids, hobby, marriage, ministry...  But I can't pick just one thing to talk about!  Not because I have so much to say, but because I wouldn't have enough for a single topic and because simply, I'd get bored.
So I may write about hubby and kids, or homeschooling and cooking, or exercise and diet, or arts and pickles.  I don't promise paragraphs.  Or even complete sentences.  Sometimes nothing more than a status update.  But I do promise honesty, variety, and all of me.