Depression and Healing

Take a moment and go read this comic/blog.  Then come back and we'll talk.  I will warn you that the language is NOT kid friendly.  

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

This gal, Allie's story fits so closely to what I went through, except for two differences that call me "Mom".  I had to call on acting skills that Hollywood could never afford.  I wanted everyday to stay in bed, crawl in a corner, or wallow in the self-pity I had no right to possess. My internal dialogue was very similar to what Allie describes.   But the kids needed a happy stable mom on the outside regardless of what was going on inside.  They also needed nutritious meals, clean clothes, playdates at the park, and family game nights.  These daily activities were torture for me!  The saying "Fake it till you make it" did not work in this case.  I thought that if I smiled for them it would eventually become a genuine smile. I was wrong.  


I carried this depression for about three or four years or so.  Functioning through birthdays, holidays, church services, and average ordinary days. Yes, there were good days, but always this overarching attached darkness.  This weight threatening to crush me.  Like a horribly taloned creature latched onto my head that I just couldn't shake.  It might doze for a bit, but was never really gone.  I tried various medications, but the side effects were worse than the depression!  I did have friends in and out of my life during that time that knew this struggle.  Anyone who bothered to look close enough could easily see it.  I didn't hide it all that well, though I didn't really try.  And no one knew more than my poor, amazing husband.  Unfortunately he bore the brunt of my feelings.  Such strong shoulders!  


My turning point came well after a "rock bottom" moment.  I had an outbreak of panic induced hives requiring an ER visit.   It was the moment I realized I couldn't handle it anymore.  An anxiety attack because I admitted I needed outside help and agreed to meet with  a counselor.  I would love to say that after the first session I immediately climbed out of the Pit of Despair!  But, no.  The counseling sessions did make me see the need for true healing.  ---Maybe some other day I'll tell you about the visualizations from those sessions---


A couple months after the counseling, still feeling raw and scarred from prying those talons out of my head, our church held a service of healing.  My pride had long been abandoned (I think the hives had killed off any pride left in me).  So stepping forward to ask for healing prayers by the elders was not embarrassing for me, though not a bold move either.  It simply was the only thing left for me to do.  


It is strange to talk about it.  I know some don't believe in healing from God.  Some think it's all just in my head.  (Though those people think depression is all just in your head also)  I walked out of the sanctuary that night limp as a rag doll.  It was the first time in years that I didn't have to strain to stand up under such a huge weight.   There was no weight on me!!!  


Back to that comic...  We may have had the same adventure internally to begin with, but not the same outcome.  I am so grateful that my depression didn't "break through to the other side and became a sort of fear-proof exoskeleton." Unlike Allie, I still have all my feelings.