Friendship and Me

May 14, 2014
I can't not be me. Not held as an excuse for myself. I have plenty of weaknesses and failures about me that need correction. But I can't not be me. I don't hide much if anything about myself. Though, I will brush off pain to avoid pity. My thoughts and feelings are very transparent, though never written so solidly in stone they can't be persuaded. People usually know exactly where they stand with me. I want to connect with and love on everyone, and have a deep need to see love returned. In that I am a very needy friend. I hope I offset that enough with a heap of generosity. I can be clingy, but am fiercely loyal. I don't always stand up for myself, but become rather grizzly when my friends come under fire. (When I do try to stand up for myself, I make a mess of it, so I just lump it the next time) To know and be known by a friend is a precious asset in life. To be told then that the way I am, the me-ness of me, is offensive and irritating to a -what I believed to be close friend- is fairly devastating to me.

Disappointed In Myself

March 2015

I am ashamed to say that I am in the worst shape I've been in since post-pregnancies' level.  I have always carried the motivation with me, or at least the drive to not stop in spite of lacking will-power. I had people watching me, counting on me, looking to me as their example or inspiration.  I was the poster child for weightloss and fitness.  I had maintained an 80 pound reduction for several years.    I could eat healthy in the midst of a grand party, exercise when all around me were vegging, and encourage others to push themselves outside of comfort zones.  I've been the guinea pig, the muse for someone looking to begin their training business.  I've coached, trained, and challenged others on to great results.  I've lead others into that same position as leaders themselves.      

Right now, I have no one that needs me.  Needing it for just myself alone doesn't seem to be enough.