Friendship and Me

May 14, 2014
I can't not be me. Not held as an excuse for myself. I have plenty of weaknesses and failures about me that need correction. But I can't not be me. I don't hide much if anything about myself. Though, I will brush off pain to avoid pity. My thoughts and feelings are very transparent, though never written so solidly in stone they can't be persuaded. People usually know exactly where they stand with me. I want to connect with and love on everyone, and have a deep need to see love returned. In that I am a very needy friend. I hope I offset that enough with a heap of generosity. I can be clingy, but am fiercely loyal. I don't always stand up for myself, but become rather grizzly when my friends come under fire. (When I do try to stand up for myself, I make a mess of it, so I just lump it the next time) To know and be known by a friend is a precious asset in life. To be told then that the way I am, the me-ness of me, is offensive and irritating to a -what I believed to be close friend- is fairly devastating to me.

Disappointed In Myself

March 2015

I am ashamed to say that I am in the worst shape I've been in since post-pregnancies' level.  I have always carried the motivation with me, or at least the drive to not stop in spite of lacking will-power. I had people watching me, counting on me, looking to me as their example or inspiration.  I was the poster child for weightloss and fitness.  I had maintained an 80 pound reduction for several years.    I could eat healthy in the midst of a grand party, exercise when all around me were vegging, and encourage others to push themselves outside of comfort zones.  I've been the guinea pig, the muse for someone looking to begin their training business.  I've coached, trained, and challenged others on to great results.  I've lead others into that same position as leaders themselves.      

Right now, I have no one that needs me.  Needing it for just myself alone doesn't seem to be enough.

Tame

"Your hair is a bit wild, we'll have to tame it down for this."

"We really only need low-key vocals here, so keep it mellow and subdued."

"They only want a background look here. So nothing too bright or colorful, keep it simple and safe."

"Don't cause a distraction; so no sparkles, prints, or bangles."
"I prefer a more mild flavor, there's too much peanut in those peanut butter cookies."

I have been told to tame it down in nearly every aspect of my character:  hair, cooking, singing, decorating, painting, clothing, even emotions!  I get tired of it!  It seems as though everyone wants "authentic" as long as it isn't too big, loud, bright, boisterous, strong, or flavorful.  But that IS how I am.  That is WHO I am.  So often I feel rejected because of it.

"Whoa, stick your finger in a light socket?!"

"He should just turn off her mic."

"So bright, I can't see you coming!"

"Breaking all the fashion rules again?"

When I haven't toned it down a bit I've been ridiculed for it.  I would just like to be me in all of it.  Why am I not okay the way I am?

Scream

Sometimes I want to scream and cry and speak my mind.  

But it's selfish and petty and makes me look vain.  

The hurt and the pain I just can't explain 

Cuz what's in my brain isn't real.  

You won't understand I can't expect you to.  

You're happy and safe and moving forward a pace 

Your dreams and your future secure. 

But I'm left out left behind never coming to mind 

Forgotten or blurry a mist in your past
I worry I missed my chance.

I'm happy for you for what you've built but I can't keep up; 

My life my schedule my wallet won't fit.

The push the drive the head clearing rush 

The thrill of the end the crush of the fear. 

Now I'm defeated deflated devoid

The momentum is gone I'm faking it now
Give up give in give way.  

Go through the motions don't look the fool 

My weakness apparent
Strength only borrowed not mine.

But I was your trial the run-through, your test.
You passed, I failed.  

I was never real just the substitute. 

Me? A Model?!?!

Well how's for silliness...?!  A fantastic photographer friend has asked me to be a guinea pig for him again. Working with one of the local salon owners, they came up with the idea of a fashion shoot using styles found in the thrift stores.  She will help find clothes, do the hair and make-up, then off to the studio for photos.  I love all the second hand stores here, most of my wardrobe is from the five shops.  But for modeling hair? Good grief!  I'm sure I'll be lectured for coloring my own hair and not using shampoo!

Funny to me was that my friend sent me the message asking about all this while I was lining up for the Civil War Style Show.  That was arranged by a lady that loved to sew ball gowns, but didn't wear them herself.  So she had me model one of her designs on a runway.

These are the fun things you get into when you say "Yes" to crazy friends, I guess!



UPDATE:  Here's the finished look.  I LOVE the red leather pants! http://www.logancountyherald.com/454/61108/a/lincoln-thrift-store-fashion-shoot-shows-inexpensive-fashion-is-possible 

Worship

Thoughts and words on Worship.  Well, not worship, but the music part of a congregational church service.  Some ugly accusations are always thrown around and make me sick to be judged that way, but some souls offer hope and encouragement to continue.  

"Professionalism does not convince me of an authentic faith." --Kellie Woodford

"It often feels like the people up front are the center of attention, or are trying to make themselves the center, when obviously the center of attention should be God." --S

"There was a time when corporate worship could be quiet, reflective and encouraging people to focus on God. Those days are long gone." --C

"If musicians are used in a church service, they should be there to facilitate worship of God, not be worshiped as celebrities themselves." --L

As someone who loves the guitar riffs and hair-splitting harmonies, this kind of hurts my feelings. I love leading on worship team. I take a huge amount of pride and humility in that position. It is a nearly unparalleled responsibility to be charged with helping lead people to the throne room of God. I practice my parts. I pay close attention to my attire. I need to be a vehicle not a distraction. I take that seriously. Would you see authentic faith if I practiced some mistakes? Should we not use the talented musicians that want to use their gifts to glorify God? What about the great speakers? We'd have to throw several grammar and spelling errors in the bulletin and newsletter. Should we paint over the Sistine chapel because it's too professional?  I get that you want to see real faith walking around. But that is what some of us look like. 

"We employ abstract, vague descriptors like, “That felt like a show – it just didn't seem authentic.” All the while the person on the platform may be a genuinely godly person who has put much thought, effort, and prayer into using his or her own stylistic musical talents to lead in corporate worship as excellently and effectively as possible." --Stephen Miller

"Perhaps the way I see these things thru such a critical lens has much less to do with what is really going on in the hearts of others and more to do with the baggage I am hauling behind me. We judge not as things are, but as WE are, after all. " --K

"The Biblical mandate of singing a new song unto the Lord (Psalm 96:1, Psalm 98:1). Much like our spouses like for us to tell them we love them in different ways, our Father loves and deserves to hear us sing of our love for Him in as many ways as possible." --J

I think that's the difficulty in any ministry or any Christian life. We strive and struggle toward fulfillment. Yet even when we are succeeding in weaker areas we will never be Holy as He is. The spectrum of growth for Christians is one more confusing than any other. The soul conflict. The more we grow and deepen our faith the further we see we are from the goal. It becomes an exponentially greater distance the longer we are on this journey. (Write out a math equation for it!) To make matters even more confusing, our fellow travelers are each moving at different paces. Like a bizarre fun house conveyor belt system. Some fast, slow, steady, stopped, lurching forward and back... no two alike. So you can never tell exactly where on the journey your neighbors are, though they are walking right beside you.

"We are not entitled to make the call on whether or not we feel like worshiping God and building up his church. His glory does not wait for us to like the music before he becomes worthy of all our worship." --Stephen Miller

"If this service isn't pleasing to me, then I'll take my ball and go home. When this is supposed to be pleasing to God! Worship is as worship does." --B

"Here's we're I've made my personal conclusion - the corporate worship service takes up roughly 30 minutes out of 168 hours each week. In humility, consider others better than your self during that worship service and sing as loud as you can, to a great God, songs you feel uncomfortable singing, and spend the other 167.5 hours the rest of the week worshipping God in every other way you can."  --C

" Fight for the truth to captivate you in a way that music never could. " --Stephen Miller






http://jasonandkelliwoodford.blogspot.com/2013/06/authenticity-stems-still-caked-with.html




http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/church/modern-worship-music-wars

More of Me

     In May, I auditioned for the Peoria Chiefs to sing the National Anthem at a ball game.  My timing was off, as the majority of dates had been filled in April.  So I was told to come back next season.  That same day, with disappointment still stinging, I was asked to sing and perform at the county's Relay for Life in June.  That event turned out to be a great success with a spot offered for next year's.  http://logancountyherald.com/454/33430/a/relay-for-life-caregiver-walk   http://archives.lincolndailynews.com/2013/Jun/17/News/picturepage061713_RFL08.shtml
     July had me collecting art to enter in the County Fair.  I had promised Brian I would enter and focus more on my paintings.  Though I entered 5 pieces, I was only very hopeful for 2 of them to place well.  The judges however, must have felt differently because I did not ribbon as high as I would have liked at all!  Not a single first place in anything.  What I thought was my best only received a 3rd.  I still smiled and accepted the congratulations from friends, but was feeling quite the untalented failure as I carried my paintings home.
     I didn't have time to wallow in self-pity for long because the next day I was offered a new opportunity.  The little local art institute was planning a gallery showing of all the Blue-Ribbon winners from the fair.  The curator explained that several 1st place winners would be unable, or unwilling to display for the month of August.  He decided to fill the walls with the art that had garnered the most positive feedback from the viewing public at the fair.  So my 3rd place painting is now being shown with other 1st's downtown.  Front page of our local online paper had a photo of the Little Fair Princess standing with my Roses as her favorite of all.  http://archives.lincolndailynews.com/2013/Aug/09/
     After the gallery open house and that newspaper picture, the curator called again. He asked if I had time to help decorate downtown.  The city's huge Balloonfest and Art fair is at the end of the month.  An older building had a fire several weeks ago and is currently surrounded by chainlink fencing.  The Art Association wanted to find a way to beautify the ugly fence during the busiest weekend of the year.  Thousands of locals and out-of-towners walk around downtown during the fest.  Some business owners donated paint and giant canvases to be painted and hung on the burnt building's fence.  So I had the chance to paint two huge panels to display during the Art Fair.  That was FUN!
     August also held the auditions for "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat".  This community theater production had been announced last October, a year out from performance.  So for nine months I've been excited and preparing!  The night of auditions went well, I was asked to sing portions of three different songs.  I left feeling very encouraged!  But we had a week to wait for the cast list announcement....  Happily I was chosen for Narrator #1!!! (yes, I know she doesn't have a real name, but it's a fabulous part!)
     In the middle of auditions, painting, and waiting, I had two other stand-out opportunities.  A professional photographer friend needed a camera guinea pig.  He wanted to try a new lighting technique for video and stills.  So I got myself all dressed up and we spent some time in the studio taking headshots, full-lengths, and video footage.  The pictures turned out amazing as expected with his talent, and he published them to his website. http://gowinphotography.com/blog/2013/7/29/two-sides-of-sheralyn-lincoln-illinois-portrait-photographer    The video is still in production.
The second stand out focus was that a fellow from the other local paper interviewed me for a "Meet Your Neighbor" segment.  The questions were simple enough and I was able to express myself fairly well.  So several people have stopped me just to say "Hi!"   (no link from this paper)
  Now today, I have messages from our homeschool group with moms asking me to lead a drama club, an art class, and a physical fitness program....
I'm feeling very visible right now in our small community.  --small pond.   I had been praying for more opportunities to use the talents I have in ways that can bring glory to God.